Monster
The Horror of Frankenstein
Ahh, just as I was about to go to bed, having finished and (briefly) written up Humanoids From the Deep, I spotted that ITV4 were running Hammer’s The Horror of Frankenstein. In HD.
Well, how on earth could I refuse? Horror of Frankenstein is a fabulously tongue-in-cheek offering from Hammer in their latter days. As something like the sixth in their Frankenstein films, it’s much heavier on the camp action, the smiling buxom women and the smutty jokes than it is on the suspense (Sample line: “I really need to go home and complete my anatomy homework. Will you help me, Maggie?” “Oooh yes, shall I take my clothes off now or later?”) but sometimes a bit of cinematic trash is more than welcome. Hell, did I say sometimes? Cinematic trash is always welcome!
Young Victor Frankenstein is played by Hammer regular Ralph Bates (Taste the Blood of Dracula, Lust for a Vampire etc.), preparing to spend a summer away from school doing all the things that normal college kids do: scientific experiments, pursuing the secret of life, re-animating dead flesh, kid-stuff like that. Bates’ leering aristocratic arrogance is so wonderfully repulsive that he becomes utterly captivating. He’s certainly no Peter Cushing nor Christopher Lee but, to my mind, Bates carved out his own minor Hammer legacy: a sneering, slimy legacy, but a legacy nonetheless.
As a whole, there’s no denying that this is on the lower end of Hammer’s output. Several of the mid-film scenes really do drag and, other than Ralph Bates, little of the actors have much to recommend them (although I don’t think any of the women were cast for their acting abilities…). Despite this, the fun moments are as fun as they mean to be and even the dull moments are lightheartedly dull (everyone knows that earnestly dull is far, far worse!).
The monster, when he finally appears, is satisfyingly monstrous, although anyone familiar with the book (or any half-faithful film) will be disappointed at the monster’s instinctive brutality: we all know the monster is supposed to be a sadly misunderstood mistake of nature. Instead, this film plays out as a kind of cross between Karloff’s Frankenstein - as imagined by someone who’s never seen the film - and Mel Brooks’ Young Frankenstein - albeit without much in the way of jokes.
This might all seem a fairly negative dismissal of what is, essentially a very enjoyable film; I don’t mean it to be. The Horror of Frankenstein is a fairly flawed but entirely watchable blend of diluted horror folklore and camp period drama. It’s hardly memorable but it is great fun.
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Note: The HD transfer is, though better than the standard definition print, none-too-astonishing. I’m no expert - not by a long stretch - but I’ve certainly seen much crisper HD versions of old films. Whilst I obviously can’t complain too hard (it was, after all, on TV for free) this is someway short of HD worth paying for.
Humanoids From the Deep
Sometimes it’s nice to follow one movie with a similarly themed one. But, I asked, where on earth do you go after The Island of the Fishmen? How could I possibly follow up this Roger Corman distributed, low-budget thriller about an island plagued by half-men, half-fish creatures?
Well… how about a Roger Corman produced, low-budget thriller about a small town plagued by half-men, half-fish creatures? It’s time for Humanoids From the Deep! (1996 version)
Right from the start it’s pretty apparent that this is a (slightly) more upmarket affair: the opening credits feature soldiers, flamethrowers and guns! Humanoids From the Deep, for all it’s shlocky monster fun is a pretty neat little film, all told, and whilst it’s missing some of the too-crappy-to-be-believed charm of the Island of the Fishmen it’s definitely an entertaining film. A shady fishing company is dumping chemicals in the water, chemicals that might well be having a terrifying effect upon the local sealife. It’s paint-by-numbers monster horror in many respects but it’s none the worse for it.
I don’t really want to say too much about the plot, suffice to say that within the fishing company we have the necessary conscience-stricken good-guy and the profit-at-all-costs badguy, content to poison the water with unknown growth hormones. Of course, the situation comes to a bit of a head when Good-guy’s daughter goes missing (along with several local environmental protesters) and he starts to investigate. Before long, Government agencies have arrived, scary fishmen are grabbing people all over the place and all hell has broken loose. The film suffers from the occasional dull moment in it’s opening half but, from about 45 minutes in, it’s a rollercoaster of murder, mayhem and fish!
This is not the original Humanoids of the Deep (1980, IMDB page here) but rather the 1996 remake. This new version is, by all accounts, less sleazy and less splattery. While that might be a shame, as I haven’t seen the original I am in no position to judge this one in relation to it. I know for sure that this is an awful lot of fun and, thankfully, doesn’t take itself too seriously at all. If the original’s even better… well, I’d better watch that one too!
The Killer Shrews
If I asked you to think of a fictional movie-title that would be undoubtedly awful, entirely silly and should probably never be made, do you think you could come up with better than The Killer Shrews?
Sometimes I really do wonder how on earth these things get pitched before creation. THis is low budget, but no so low that it didn’t have some funding. The conversation must have gone something along the lines of:
Mr Money: So, what is this film you were asking for funding for?
Jay Simms (screenplay): Ah, well. It’s going to be an exploration of the dangers of science. We’re talking themes of genetic mutation, we’re talking science going bad, human achievement getting so far ahead of itself that it puts humanity in danger. We want people to think about science, about whether it’s a good thing, about where the limits of ‘playing God’ lie.
Mr Money: (yawning) yeah, yeah. Ok, same old, same old. Isn’t that what every science fiction book and film has tried to do? So what makes you the new HG Wells? What’s the actual premise?
JS: Well, let me buy another round first. Whiskey as well? Yep? Good.
[goes to bar]
JS: Where were we?
Mr Money: You’re explaining the premise of your story? Where’s it set?
JS: Well, we’re opting for an island. You know, our heroes are trapped on an island with these beasts. We’re going to set it up so that they can’t leave: I’m thinking hurricane or tropical storm, that conveniently imprisons these people on the island at exactly the worst moment, when these monsters are at their most dangerous.
Mr Money: You mean like full moon or something? Are we talking werewolf?
JS: Erm.. not exactly. No. We’re talking animals that have been made larger and more vicious through scientific experiments. They’ve escaped from the lab and are roaming the island. So our heroes arrive just as they’re running out of food and turning on their creators. More drinks?
Barman! Two pints, two whiskies … make them doubles!
Mr Money: Go on…
JS: Well we’ll obviously go for the trapped-survivor tensions. We’ve got it mapped out perfectly, pair of scientists - one completely work-obsessed - pretty blonde girl with nasty coward boyfriend and one handsome rogueish seaman. Oh and we’ll throw in a black guy and a Mexican as well
Mr Money: They’re the expendable characters?
JS: Oh yes, we’ll kill them off with little or no time wasted on characters or emotions.
Mr Money: Well, I must say, that all sounds rather good. What did you say the monsters were again? Was it savage dogs? Spiders?
JS: Not exactly…
Mr Money: Well come on, tell me, I want to know…
JS: Ah… shrews.
[Long silence]
Mr Money: Shrews?
JS: Shrews. Savage, dog sized shrews with massive pointy teeth.
Mr Money: Shrews? I think I’m going to need another drink before I sign that cheque….
And, after that next drink he signed over his cash and so The Killer Shrews was made. Replete with dogs-in-furry-costumes playing the shrews, this is one of the most ridiculous films I’ve seen. It’s not even that bad: well paced and you’re guarranteed to be laughing throughout…
Lady Terminator
Oh me, oh my. Where to begin?
Sometimes, someone recommends you a film and it’s pretty good. You note down the recommendation, you go off and watch it and you are pleased. This friend of yours made a good recommendation.
Sometimes however, the recommended film is so mind-bendingly brilliant/bizarre that you are left in shock; you are almost angry that no-one has recommended this film before. Lady Terminator was made 1983. That means it has existed for all 21 years of my life. With this firmly in mind, how is it possible that I haven’t seen it before? The world has been hiding a gem from me!
I’ll try and sell it to you: it’s an 80s Indonesian exploitation action-movie, that robs heavily from Cameron’s Terminator and can’t quite work out whether it’s set in New York or Indonesia. If that doesn’t sell it to you, I don’t know what will. I guess if that summary isn’t appealing then it probably just isn’t your kind of film; you’re missing out.
In a tour-de-force of sublime bonkers-ness, Lady Terminator mixes bizarre Asian folklore with unstoppable killing machines. The (entirely unecessary) back-story presents us with an angry goddess-lady who, defeated by some guy, swears revenge on his grand-daughter (yes… so far so odd). She achieves this by er…. throwing her soul into a bit of the sea and hoping that something will happen.
Something does indeed happen: young anthropology student, Tania, goes diving in the area and is posessed by the soul of this rogue goddess, returning to surface as a murderous beast on a killing rampage. Oh yeah, she’s also pretty much totally invincible. Cue long gunfights, a ridiculously brilliant body-count and blood splatters all over the place.
I really did enjoy this film so much that it pains me to say anything bad about it. Yes, the vast majority of the special effects are crappy, yes, the acting is basically atrocious, yes, the dubbing leaves much to be desired…. but all these complaints are missing the point. What we have here is a brilliant mix of crazy fantasy and Terminator imitation that is enormously fun for all of its 80 minute run-time.
I can’t recommend it highly enough.
Death Line a.k.a. Raw Meat
This poster bears stunningly little resemblence to the film. How puzzling.
For a long while, the disused stations of the London Underground have interested me; despite being closed, many years out of service, they’re still…. there. They sit, lurking under city streets, completely forgotten by the people who walk past their once-entrances or sit on trains that rush past their once-platforms. Some of them can still be seen from trains, some of them were converted to war-time bunkers and still have propaganda posters on the walls, some them house plague-ridden cannibals, tucked well away from the city’s lights.
Ok, so the very last bit may not be strictly true, but it’s the central premise of this film.
Hopping cautiously from the train
You can smoke on the tube! Right from the start you know this film is pretty old
Death Line is a horror-thriller with some pretty funny bits, some pretty creepy bits and one bit that’ll definitely make you jump. It’s not an excellent story, admittedly, but suspend your disbelief for a second and follow me down the rabbit hole escalator and into Russell Square station…
JUst along from Russell Square is an abandoned half-finished station, called Museum. Whilst there was really a British Museum station once-upon-a-time (closed 1933), the extra uncompleted line underneath and the cave-in that trapped workers in the tunnel are fictitious. According to the film, the working men and women trapped by this cave-in were simply left to rot after the contracting company went bankrupt. What they hadn’t counted on was that the trapped workers didn’t die; oh no, they lived on underground, drinking the water that trickled through the rocks and eating human flesh. Fast forward a couple of generations and we have an inbred, grunting cannibal stalking the tubes, picking off lone visitors to Russell Square late at night.
It’s an odd film. The Inspector (Donald Pleasence) and his Sergent are comic characters, all stout British swearing and drinking, whilst the underground man is genuinely pretty creepy. Both are pretty good but they just don’t feel like the same film. It’s noticeable that, by the time they finally actually investigate the tubes, Donald Pleasence seems to be playing a very different character.
“Yes, we’d better investigate. But first, some tea!”
The speed with which it cuts from laughs above ground to moody scenes underground doesn’t really help the horror factor, it just makes it seem boring. One very long shot that pans over all sorts of rotting and savaged flesh, accompanied by only the sound of dripping water is almost atmospheric and powerful but… in contrast to the scene before it, it just becomes a bit dull. Which is a shame, as overall it’s mostly pretty good.
Overall, the funny bits are funny, the creepy bits are creepy and the music is brilliant throughout. Only the odd editing makes it seem a little slow. What is perhaps its best feature though, is that we actually feel sorry for the cannibal. This is no crazed beast, the poor guy was born and raised in the dark and only kills to survive. That the film doesn’t take the easy route and just make him as disgusting is possible is pretty impressive.
Oh, and the bar scene is amazing.
