Chopping Mall
Chopping Mall was my first blog, which I started way back in 2009. It was dedicated exlcusively to ridiculous and terrible films, which I watched a lot of back then. (So much time, so little work!)
I’ve resuced the posts from oblivion, to be preserved here for …uh… whatever.
It’s a pretty clunky process getting them out of blogspot (XML export, eww) and into here, so there may be a few formatting issues.
Let Me In // Let The Right One In
This is just a short and grumpy post.
Let Me In. If you’ve been paying attention you’ll know that it’s the forthcoming remake of 2008’s (?) Let The Right One In, a Swedish film that is easily one of the best horror productions of recent years (maybe even the decade?) and an antidote to the sparkly fang-less prancing of the Twilight saga.
Matt Reeves, the director of the remake is reported in Empire as saying that he simply can’t understand the furore around the remake, claiming it should be normal as Hollywood has been churning out remakes for years. Quite apart from the fact that the “it’s happened lots of times before” argument is a completely pathetic method of avoiding the point entirely, he has also chosen to ignore that the remake culture he refers to is usually concerned with remaking films that are twenty or so years old. Not two.
As an example, the remake of Nightmare on Elm Street, although completely unnecessary, is clearly catering to an entirely new audience, a younger generation who haven’t seen the original but are (perhaps unwittingly) just waiting to be shepherded in to the world of gory horror flicks.
Let Me In, however, is surely only really being made to cater to those who are too damn lazy to read subtitles. The recent Spanish zombie masterpiece [Rec] was given the same treatment and turned into Quarantine, a move almost universally condemned, and I really struggle to see how the situation will be any different here.
For anyone who’s read the (fantastic) original novel by John Ajvide Lindqvist, there is perhaps a glimmer of hope that they’ll go back to the text and pick out some of the interesting sub-plots that were stripped in the first transition from page to screen. This is surely the only thing which could justify a re-make. It is, however, pretty unlikely as Lindqvist wrote the screenplay for the original and hasn’t touched the new version (as far as I can see, anyway)
So, it’s fingers crossed hoping for increased faithfulness to the text, but I’m afraid I’m entirely sceptical. I’ll still watch it, but it’ll have to work twice as hard to convince me that it’s a worthwhile film.
Trailer for the original:
Just like Dracula... it rises, it rises!
Sigh.
Once again I’ve ignored this blog for way too long (not one singe post in June! Eesh…) and it’s become dormant and sleepy.
Once again I have a handful of “real world” reasons that I can mumble in an ashamed manner until I feel I’ve justified myself.
But more importantly: once again it’s time to kick Chopping Mall’s battered corpse into life! There it was, thinking that it could finally slip happily into the afterlife of eternal peace, only to discover that one quick occult-magic session, half a pint of roosters blood and a little bit of typing were all that was needed to drag it kicking and screaming and frothing at the mouth back into some sort of life. Much like Christopher Lee’s Dracula, however many times it dies, we can always pull it back from the grave.
Last time I pulled the blog back from the abyss I gave it a spangly new banner and fiddled with the look of it. That isn’t happening right now but here we go anyway… (not entirely true; I have replaced the banner with a slightly more minimal alternaternative I made a while ago)
June was a fairly slow month for films for me. Between other excitements though, I did manage to watch the following:
1. Fear In the Night – Hammer psychological horror set in an ex-school. Really rather fab and surprisingly menacing for a Hammer film.
2. Terror En Tren de Medianoche (Terror on the Midnight Train) – Set in a quiet Spanish town, the Station-Master discovers some eerie secrets about a train that arrives in the dead of night to ferry the dead. Ever so slow to get going but rewarding if you can stick through it.
3. Black Snake – Dreary Russ Meyer flick set in a slave plantation. Dull as anything.
4. Dr Moreau’s House of Pain – Bad prosthetic monsters, bad plot, bad acting, bad film. For all that it is still quite light-hearted silly fun. If you know anything about Dr Moreau you’ll know what kind of thing to expect.
5. El Asesino del Parking – Spanish slasher flick about a guy who kills in carparks. One of the highlights of the month’s films; this manages both to be gripping murder mystery and also rather wonderfully gruesome. I’d recommend it to anyone, though it’s not for everyone.
6. Opera – Argento slasher. Easily one of the best; bloody and great fun. There really isn’t much else to say; if you’ve seen an Argento film you’ll know the kind of thing to expect - beautiful cinematography, grisly deaths - and if you haven’t then I’d say here was a good place to start.
7. The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner – You have to be in the right kind of mood to appreciate the very introspective gritty British dramas. Luckily I was, and this is fascinating and rewarding. Not a popcorn-and-laughs kind of film but certainly essential viewing.
8. Sunshine Cleaning – Crime-scene cleaning comedy. This was fun in a light-hearted and frivolous way. I think I’d expected a little too much from it really and was left a little disappointed, but it’s amiable enough stuff.
9. Blade Runner (Final Cut) – Awesome sci-fi fun with Han Solo and robots. Yeah? Does it really need any more words? You’ve already seen it right? (If the answer to that was ’no’, stop reading now and go hunt out a copy)
10. Solarbabies – Cheesy 80s dystopian roller-blade flick. Quite fantastic in a bonkers sort of way, although it does carry it’s share of sickeningly sweet sentimental fluff. Definitely worth it for the roller-blade action and the synth soundtrack though.
11. Quarantine – Awesome Canadian dystopia with sickness and oppression. Power-crazy leaders, a brutal law-enforcement force and a mysterious terminal illness have created a futuristic America of nightmares. It’s a surprisingly enjoyable and well put-together film.
12. Dragon Lives Again – Awesomely dubbed bonkers martial arts with “Bruce Lee” - a character, not the actor. This is something quite surreal, involving other worlds, ‘Popeye’, ‘Dracula’, a whole host of reanimated mummy-ish creatures and some fantastic marshal arts.
Son Of Hitler
Sometimes you just can’t understand how or why a film was forgotten about. Sometimes you really can. Let’s just start with the title: it doesn’t bode well (or perhaps it does, depending on your opinion!). Son Of Hitler. Ok. Right. It’s a film about the son of Adolf Hitler. Unless of course it’s another Hitler or some kind of clever metaphor for… no, no, no, it’s that Hitler. Yes.
Well… - you might say - perhaps it’s some kind of historical documentary about Hitler’s ideas living on (no…) or… let me see…. could it be some kind of conspiracy theory about real surviving heirs? Again.. no. This is a fictional film about Hitler’s son. It is also a comedy.
Wow. A comedy, you say? Yes, a comedy.
Peter Cushing stars as nazi-saluting Heinrich Haussener, camping it up rather as he stomps around in a desperate attempt to find young Wilhelm Hitler, Hitler’s surviving son who was raised in the mountains in complete ignorance of the war. Or of reading. Or writing. Or what his name is. (He’s also implausibly young, given that this is set when it is filmed - some 30 years after the war - but that’s another issue)
And herein lies the er… ‘comedy’. Young Wilhelm is coming down from the mountains, birth-certificate (that he can’t read) in hand and is completely mystified by everyone’s astonished reactions. A local post-master chases him out the shop, he goes to a bar and drinks beer wearing full Nazi insignia, a judge declares his ’lies’ the workings of a damaged mind and commits him to a mental institute immediately.
It’s a bizarre mix of political ‘humour’ and slapstick fun. The slapstick element in fact almost succeeds in it’s complete bizarre senselessness - the straight-jacketed mental patients being forced to play football in the mental institute is a stand-out scene, the institute officer acting as referee finding it impossible to understand why they can’t master a simple throw-in… - as well as some mildly diverting comedy involving a paternoster lift - although whilst watching you can’t help but wish there were more skilled slapstick comedians diving in and out; it’s ever so Marx brothers but with none of the finesse.
This should hardly come as a surprise, as finesse is surely a word that few could associate with this film. Quite what poor old Peter Cushing is doing in this film, making over young Wilhelm in the desperate hope that he can continue the work of his father, is anybody’s guess. You really hope that he told his agent to get him back onto a Hammer Horror set as fast as possible. This was just one year after his appearance in Star Wars! Surely there must have been some mistake in signing up for this?
For those of us who can sit through anything with Peter Cushing in, it might well be worth a look, and for the rest? Well, it’s not entirely without merit…. merely almost entirely without merit! The handful of semi-humorous scenes do relatively little to make up for the tragically unfunny script, appallingly bad central concept and cack-handed production. You really do wonder at point this seemed like a good idea. And how many of the cast and production team kept coming back each day fully aware of what kind of monster they were making.
This film should never have been made. But as it has been made, you certainly ought to watch it. Sadly, it’s rare as hell and - I WONDER WHY? - appears never to have had a very limited release and has never made it to DVD. Let’s hold out for the Blu-Ray copy then, yes? Fingers crossed.
Big Screen Big Tune #3 - Zombi 2
This month, after a short break, Big Screen Big Tune is the brooding, stormy masterpiece by Fabio Frizzi for Lucio Fulci’s Zombi 2. Enjoy.
Poster Hunt #10 - Suspiria & Giallo
Whilst most of the posters I’ve selected for Poster Hunt have been classic style, painted scenes, I thought that this time I’d go for a more modern, minimal look: clean lines and bold block colours.
So here we have two posters, the first for Dario Argento’s Suspiria (a truly fantastic film, I recommend it highly) and the second for his much more recent Giallo (which I haven’t seen and which received very mixed reviews)
Regardless of the quality of the films though, the posters are certainly both gorgeous.
