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Kizumonogatari

Anime day rolls into town. Or… is that Animation day? The East-Asian focus of the day has now been dropped, to allow a broader focus. This is no bad thing (hardcore anime fans may disagree… But they’re wrong). Despite this, the majority of the offerings this year are still Japanese. First up is Kizumonogatari. And oh boy is it bad.

The description sounds pretty appealing: a queen amongst vampires is found in a subway station in a pool of her own blood, relieved of all four of her limbs. Her discoverer, rescuer and soon-to-be minion must battle a series of vampire-hunters to win back her limbs. So far so good, right?

Wrong. The vampire plot is OK, but the woven in love story is excruciatingly awful. Add to that that it appears to be drawn and scripted by a handful of lonely, frustrated, Japanese teenage boys and you’re onto something truly painful. The love interest’s irritating breasts take every opportunity to swell, swing or bounce in gleeful physics-defying abandon. And that’s before we worry about the sheer number of times her school (!) skirt blows up to reveal her pants. Yikes.

The Vampire queen is similarly ridiculous. She’s literally only tolerable when her powers are so low that she reverts to childhood. Aside from that she’s all popping breasts and upskirt angles. It’s not really sexy, so much as embarrassing.

Its few redeeming features lie in the battles – they are undeniably pretty good fun. Shedding limbs here and there, wielding a lawn-roller and one particularly good disembowelling are not quite enough to save this film but they did make at least 15-20 minutes of the 2 hours of it bearable.

Avoid.

Drinks This screened early enough in the day that a drink didn’t seem necessary. In hindsight, this was not a good choice.

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